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Big Deal/Transcript
Green's house, kitchen (Episode title appears as letter magnets on the fridge door; it is Thanksgiving, Bill takes out a turkey.) Tilly (OS): Shoehorns, dewdrops, cat hair, light bulbs, body builders, hairnets, magazines, (shows her) swiss cheese, easy cheese, and...rocks. And that's the full list of things I'm thankful for. Bill: Wow, Tilly. That's very...specific. I'm just thankful we're all here to have a nice Thanksgiving together. Gramma (OS): PHOOEY! Living room Gramma: (knitting something) When you get to be my age, the only thing you're thankful for is that death hasn't come for ya yet. But when it does... (slams knitting needles into the table) I'll be ready. (Cricket angrily stands next to the TV with a rather poor signal.) Cricket: I'd tell you what I ain't thankful for -- crummy old TVs that don't even work! How am I s'posed to watch the game on this ancient thing?! Bill: C'mon, Cricket. Today's supposed to be about bein' thankful for what'cha got, not gettin' upset over what'cha don't got. (Cricket just rolls his eyes and groans; Tilly stands next to the TV and stretches.) Tilly: Allow me to assist, brother. (She fiddles around with the antennae until the TV gets a good signal.) Cricket: Yes! Tilly, don't move! Tilly: (struggles) Okay...!!! (A commercial interrupts the gang; a raspberry red skinned man wearing a pilgrim hat addresses.) Spokesman: Hi! I'm Louis! Cricket: Oh, what the -- ? Spokesman (Louis): This year at Price Busters, we're celebrating Thanksgiving with amazing savings! Store-wide! Appliances, furniture, TVs, you name it! We're busting prices on everything! Cricket: Busting prices on everything? Louis: Show 'em how it's done, Buster! (Buster, an anthropomorphic letter B, holds a mallet before a living price tag that reads $500.) Price tag: Oh, no! Ack! (He smooshes him with the mallet, causing coins to fly out.) Louis (OS): Aww, come on, Buster! You can do better than that! Price tag: (coughs) No! No, please! Buster? BUSTER! (He smashes again; smash cuts to the logo.) Commercial singers: ♫ Price Busters! ♫ (Louis winks.) Cricket: Oh, my gosh. This is perfect! We can finally afford a new TV! We gotta go right now! Bill: I don't know, Cricket. I don't really wanna spend our Thanksgiving in a store. Cricket: Ah, don't worry, Dad. We'll be in and out in no time. It's Thanksgiving. Who goes shopping on Thanksgiving? Price Busters, entrance lobby (Smash to the Greens looking undeniably shocked; a pull-back shows customers are rioting all over the store.) Louis: (over PA:) Welcome to Price Busters, where we'll be busting prices all day long! (One man runs by laughing like a maniac and carrying gaming equipment.) Louis: (over PA:) Happy Thanksgiving! (Near the woman's wear department, a woman posing as a mannequin steals the games and runs off laughing.) Turquoise man: No, NO! Greens: Huh? (Near the home goods aisle, another man puts a vase in his cart followed by another cart.) Female worker: Sir, that is not for sale! Sir?! (she gets taken) I am not for sale!! Bill: That was a fun thought. Now let's go home. (All but Cricket turn to leave.) Cricket: (grabs Bill's leg) We can't give up, yet! We just got here! Bill: Son, look around -- this place is a madhouse! Now let's get back to our Thanksgiving dinner before it spoils. Cricket: Ah, it's all fun and good, until we sit down, and go back to squintin' like bats in the daylight! Tilly, Bill, Gramma: Hmm. Cricket: Y'all, a new TV could change our lives! Gramma, you'll be able to hear this TV without your hearing horn. Gramma: (holds such) Really? (tosses it) All right! Cricket: And Dad, you'll see colors you've never heard of! Like "gred", and -- mwah -- "blorange". Bill: Hmm...blorange does sound nice. Cricket: All of which is presented in glorious HD! Tilly: HD...? (She imagines herself in front of an HD television; the HD on the screen changes to read "hot dog", and an illusory arm reaches out with one.) Tilly: Ah... (chomps) (Fantasy ends.) Tilly: Count me in! Cricket: Y'see? And we gotta go right now! Gotta get those deeeeaaaaaals!!! Things look a bit quieter down that way. (hops in a cart) Now let's go get that TVVVVVVV -- Push me, dad. VVVVVVVVVVVVV!!! Bill: Ugh... (Bill fulfills the request.) Ruined aisles (They enter a part of the store that is destroyed from the riot.) Cricket: Ooh, looks like some good deals happened here! Bill: Are you sure about this, Cricket? (They pass a man in fetal position and cradling a cereal box while muttering under his breath.) Cricket: Of course I'm sure, Dad! Gramma: This looks like no-man's land. (Above them, a man is strapped to a ceiling fan that still spins.) Cricket: I think we're gettin' clo-ose! Random aisle Cricket: Electronics should be just around the corner. Louis: (over PA:) Attention, shoppers! For the next ten minutes, you'll find ridiculous deals in...sporting goods! (The Greens are right under the sign for such.) Cricket: Oh, I wouldn't wanna be in the middle of all that! (The ground shakes, scaring them; the rioting customers come right toward them.) Gramma: BRACE YOURSELVES! (They get surrounded; Gramma tries to fend off.) Gramma: GET OFF ME! GAH! THEY'RE TOO STRONG! WE CAN'T HOLD IT! Bill: They're empowered by savings! Category:Episode Transcript Category:B Category:Season 1 Transcripts Category:A-Z